Episode One

BRENT:
I don’t give shitty jobs. If a good man comes to me and says, “Thank you, David, for the opportunity and continued support in the work related arena, but I’ve done that, I wanna better myself, I wanna move on”, then I can make that dream come true too, a.k.a, for you.

BRENT:
The point is, you talk the talk, you do not walk the walk, via a vis, you have not yet passed your forklift driver’s test. The man who gives the jobs in the warehouse...is a personal friend of mine, alright? I know you’re the man for the job.

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BRENT:
Sammy... You old slag... It’s the Brent-meister general...
BRENT:
Has he passed his forklift driver’s text? He gives the tests...
BRENT:
I’m seeing you Sunday aren’t I? - For my sins... How is Elaine? She left you yet? Yeah... Alright, see you then...
BRENT:
She has left him, I forgot about that.

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BRENT:
Lovely Dawn. Dawn Tynsley...receptionist.
BRENT:
I’d say, at one time or another every bloke in the office has woken up at the crack of Dawn.
DAWN:
What??

Dawn hands Brent a fax.

BRENT:
Hmm... Dawn, this is from Head Office.
DAWN:
I know...
BRENT:
How many times have I told you? There’s a special filing cabinet for things from Head Office -
it’s called the wastepaper basket!

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BRENT:
People say i’m the best boss. They go, “Oh, we’ve never worked in a place like this before, you’re such a laugh. You get the best out of us.” And I go, you know, “C’est la vis.” If that’s true - excellent.

Cue Brent’s smug look down the camera.

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BRENT:
Oh God. Had a skinful last night. I was out with Finchy.
Chris Finch.
Had us on a pub crawl. ‘El vino did flow’...

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GARETH:
Thought I’d go out again tonight with Oggy. That’d be a quiet night in the library - not! I don’t think!

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BRENT:
Jennifer Taylor Clarke. I call her, er Camilla Parker Bowles - not to her face... but not because i’m scared of her.

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BRENT:
I got them off, you know, Nobby Burton, who comes round with a suitcase. Two for a tenner. “Yes please, four”.

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BRENT:
Mmm. Shoot!

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BRENT:
Did no get an agenda.
JENNIFER:
Sorry?
BRENT: Did not get an agenda, no.

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BRENT:
It’s like, Comic Relief, yeah? I’m out here in Africa and i’m seeing the flies and the starvation.. and she - if she is the boss - she’s in the studio with, you know, Jonathan Ross and Lenny Henry - and they’ve got their suits on. They’re doing their bit, they’re counting the money. Good luck to them. But, their hands are clean, while I’m down here in the office with the little starving kids...

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BRENT:
Oh, you see, did I no want to hear that, Jenny, because redundancies are a tragedy always.

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BRENT:
Let it go on to answer machine.
Hi, not around at the moment, so please leave a massage.

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BRENT:
This is the accounts department. Alright? The number bods. Do not be fooled by their job descriptions. They are absolutely mad, all of them.
Especially that one. He’s mental. Not literally, that wouldn’t work. The last place you’d want someone like that is in accounts...

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BRENT:
Do you wanna get some batteries for ‘Billy Bigmouth’? It’s run out. Take it out of petty cash.
You can’t put a price on comedy.

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TIM:
You’re a twat, Gareth. You’re a twat and a nob-end.
GARETH:
I’m still not listening, so it’s not offending me, so...
TIM:
Right, okay, so you won’t hear this - you’re a cock, you’re a cock, you’re a cock...

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BRENT:
Gareth’s my right-hand man, immediately beneath me...ooh, as an actress said to a bishop!

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Tim has put Gareth’s stapler in jelly.
GARETH:
It’s always you. Can’t you discipline him?
BRENT:
Ohh, kinky.
TIM:
Gareth, it’s only a trifling matter.

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GARETH:
You know, I was in the Territorial Army for three years and you can’t much about there. That’s sort of one of the rules.

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Tim drops Gareth’s stapler out of the window.
GARETH:
What if that kills someone?
TIM:
Kills somebody? Umm, well, they’ll think you’re the murderer. It’s got your name on it.
GARETH:
Why would a murderer put his name on the murder weapon?
TIM:
To stop people borrowing it?
Gareth calls “David!”.

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Tim stacks files on his desk so he doesn’t have to look at Gareth.
GARETH:
You can’t do that.
TIM:
Why not?
GARETH:
Health and safety.
TIM:
Health and safety?! Erm, why? “Crushed by cardboard”, or what?

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BRENT:
I said, “If Head Office try and come here and interfere, they’ve got me to contend with, okay? You can go and fiddle with Neil’s people, but i’m the head of this family. You’re not going to fiddle with my children. I am, if anyone does.”

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BRENT:
I suppose I’ve created an atmosphere here where I’m a friend first, bos second, and probably an entertainer third.

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BRENT:
Oh, got your bible on you, Ricky? “Thou shalt not steal unless it’s only worth 12p.” You steal a thousand Post-It notes at 12p, and you’ve made...a profit...on that.

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DAWN:
You’re such a sad little man,
BRENT:
Am I? Didn’t know that.

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